friendships

when i was little friendships were easy. i was friends with people who lived near to me, who went to school with me and who i played sports with. and that was enough. having common likes and whereabouts was enough of a base for a friendship. there were laughs, smiles, games, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. there were also fights but they weren't vicious and they didn't last long. it was fun and i felt included and at ease.

but truth is: friendships are hard. living near someone doesn't cut it. attending the same school doesn't cut it. enjoying the same hobbies doesn't cut it.

this conclusion has been bulding in me for a while but as of the last year or so i've been forced to take a deep look into the friendships i have, or think i have.

i have figured out a few things:
1. you can't be forced in to being friends with someone; there needs to be an actual connection.
2. there are some people who just don't need to be in your life. that are just not worth it; now that sounds kind of bad and it's not to say they're not worth anything, just that they are not worth it for you. the negatives far out weigh the positives.
3. you can't and won't be best friends with everyone. not everyone has to like you and you don't have to like everyone.
4. there are all types of friends. you will have great friends, good friends, ok friends and acquaintance friends. and they can all be good people and can all serve their purpose in your life.
5. friendships need to be 2 sided. both people have to put an effort in.

this last one is the one that i struggle with. over and over again in my head.

i take a look at my current and even my past friendships and there are very very few that i can confidently say were/are 2 sided. the majority of them are harshly one sided. and that one side is my side.

if i don't initiate contact; there is none. if i don't go see/visit them; there are no visits. often times, if i don't email or facebook or text; there is no communication.

when did my friendships become this way? did i allow them to be this way? were they always this way? is it my choice of friends? when did i become the girl with so many half relationships? do i do this to myself? is this intentional for me? are these people my linking puzzle pieces because i am this way and they are that way? and i need to deal with what i've got?

i am thankful for my friends, i am. but this is weighing on me.

i am very understanding to people's busy lifestyles. i have constantly chalked up this lack of commincation on the other end to their lifestyles, their kids, their jobs, their sports, etc. but those excuses can only last for so long before i begin to see the light. i see my friends doing things with other people. i see them texting other people. i see them calling other people. i see them going to visit other people. i see that innitiation for other people....

friendships are hard.

and i need to grow: stronger, more compassionate, better. i need to work on myself.